Who is this me person?

Thanks to school I now feel like I have to write an essay. Title: Who are you?
And I actually chose to write this of my own free will!

I’m fresh out of high school; I have my life to plan.

I'm not grossly disadvantaged. I come from a pretty normal family. Mom, Dad, younger brother and sister. We're not over the top rich, but we do have enough money to afford some of the luxuries in life. Flat screen TV, Xbox, Wii... etc.
I'm not saying that my life until now makes a great foundation to build a life on. I'm pretty screwed up.

I realized this thanks to Mr. Scott Peck and his little white book called The Road Less Travelled. One of my biggest fears is change because I fear that the future is an unforgiving and unpredictable place. (This I need to change. Actually I am changing this perspective on "the future") Also, I am passive dependant. Thanks to my childhood, I have a mental disorder.... (Great, just awsum! thanks dad.)

For this next part to make sense, you need to know what passive dependant is.
Passive dependant people, define themselves through their relationships. Their inner emptiness is so great that they will, without fail, latch onto anyone who will "love" and care for them. Like a parasite. Without being able to love his/her partner back, because you cannot give something of yourself if there is no self. (It's screwed up. I know. I'm not even sure that realizing this was a good move, coz now I'm just lost. I don't want to be a parasite! So now I don't really have an identity.)

Ok, moving on rapidly!

My love life up until now is.... well, not what it should have been.
I had some quickie (as in fast, not as in sex) boyfriends in my early teenage years. Say from 12 - 15. During this time I also had a very intense (for that age) long distance relationship. Declaring my love to this poor sod, who was more hormonal at that time than a menopausal woman, and the idiot said he wants to marry me. Please keep in mind, at age 14. After we broke up (shocker there!) I did not wait a week before starting a new relationship. This one lasted just under 3 years. In this time, my parents decided to emigrate. Which puts quite a strain on a young couple, because we now had to make very grown up decisions. I chose to stay behind for my boyfriend (my parents were very cool on this subject; they gave me the freedom to make my own mistakes. Props mom&dad!). We broke up as well... Another shocker there! And again I did not give myself time to go through the motions of a break up. I just started a new one.

(Presently still in this relationship.)

My love life now, I can't talk about. Not there yet, but know this. You can't make crap like this up, things like this only happen in real life.
  
Luckily... This is not the end. Life goes on.

Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.

Ps. do you get the feeling that my relationships still define me?
Pps. I noticed!!

Where to now?

You reach a point in life... It doesn’t really matter who you are - it’s that point in life where you go:

Where the hell to now?!

And here I am.

I googled this ("where to now"), out of sheer frustration with life, the universe and everything; I think I was hoping for a sign from the gods or at least something. Instead - and this may be because of my awful "google-ing" skills - I got, NOTHING. 
No epiphany, no angelic music, no decent help at all. Not even someone I can relate to.

And this got me thinking. Am I the only idiot who does not know?
Can’t be. There must be a million of you suckers out there who doesn’t even know which way is forward. So all I’m doing is making sure you know - you're not alone!

I feel like holding onto a blade of grass and not falling off the face of the earth is a major achievement right now. And this while I am totally sober….

So I’m giving you what I needed, with the hope that I’ll get it back.


Someone to relate to. 

Ps. This is only the beginning